A Public Right?

(Sorry for the morbid tone of this note. It’s where my thoughts led me, today. If that disturbs you, my apologies! 🙏 )

Some years ago, a friend of mine died.

We had been postgraduate trainees together. Then we worked at the same hospital, as Assistant Professors. Later on, he assisted with my cases in private practice.

He was one of a very few linchpins… who held my non-profit work together.

It would be fair to say that without him, my project may not have lasted as long as it did.

He retired from Government service. A month later, he was diagnosed with liver cancer. It worsened rapidly.

But he chose to not tell anybody about it.

It wasn’t until nearly 4 months afterwards that the other surgeon in my practice revealed the shocking news. (He’d known of it – but had been instructed by my sick friend not to tell anyone.)

That very afternoon, we both set out to visit our friend at hospital where he’d been admitted – for a possible transplant.

Our car got stuck in traffic for thirty minutes.

When we arrived at the department, the floor nurse informed us… that he’d just been discharged half an hour ago.

The ambulance was taking him to the airport – where he’d fly back home. Prior to going to New York for further treatment.

That didn’t happen.

Three days later, he died.

I never got to meet him.

Or even speak to him on the phone.

When I think about our time – 15 fruitful years – together, there are several happy memories.

And a few sad ones as well.

One thing that always lingers is this thought…

I didn’t get to say goodbye!

😢

Which is what leads to my question:

Is a dying person, in a sense, like a ‘public figure’?

And is there a ‘public right‘ for others to know about this terminal phase?

In fact, is it a moral imperative for a dying person to reveal that fact – to others?

I’m inclined to argue so.

Of course, they have a right to keep details private.

  • What is the disease they have?
  • How advanced (or of what kind) is it?
  • Are they being treated – or not?
  • What sort of treatment did they opt for?
  • Why that – and why not any other?

None of this need be revealed. Ever.

But how about the fact of their impending death itself?

Surely, that ought to be general knowledge.

Maybe you ask:

WHY?

Here’s my answer…

No man is an island.

Over a lifetime, we come in touch with hundreds of people.

Even thousands.

Or tens of thousands.

Some of them, we impact deeply. Memorably.

Maybe even without realizing it ourselves.

And when our time on earth draws to a close, some of them might care.

Care enough to reach out.

They may want to say goodbye.

  • Pay their respects – while you’re still around to receive them.
  • Settle scores. Or close accounts.
  • Get closure – for God-knows-what.

Should they be denied that opportunity?

Because when you actively conceal the very news of your forthcoming death, that’s precisely what you’re doing.

Denying others the chance to find closure.

“But…” you ask “Isn’t it the same when somebody dies suddenly, with no warning?

Phenomenally, yes.

Psychologically, no.

I say this with authority… because it happened to me just last year.

My top mentor and very dear friend died.

We typically talk to each other at least every 3 months. But not lately (let’s blame it all on COVID – because it’s convenient! 🤦‍♂️ )

So when I heard the shocking news that he was gone, I felt a sinking feeling in my gut…

That I didn’t get to say goodbye!

In that sense, it’s the same thing…

But with one difference.

Only I’m to blame – for not connecting with him.

But in the ‘known terminal illness‘ scenario we’re discussing, who is to blame?

Not me (at least, not me alone)… right?

Look, I completely understand the desire for privacy in one’s last days.

Unwillingly, I’ve had to be intimately involved with a few family members in their dying days, weeks, or even years.

They ranged from 8 to 80 years in age…

And yet shared this in common.

Many emotions and engagements they experienced in those tumultuous last moments were… intensely personal!

It would be extremely unfair to force anybody to make those interactions public.

Or to force them upon a suffering, dying person.

No question there.

I deeply empathize with the one who’s lying on a death bed.

And still…

I also see the other side of the picture.

The loyal friend… the estranged child… the abandoned lover… the grateful beneficiary… the devoted assistant… the sincere employee… the long-time neighbor… and so many, many other people.

Those we touch, move and impact in our everyday existence.

Over years and years, decades and decades.

Some of them desperately want that last chance.

To say… goodbye.

Do we have the right to say,

“No, sorry, you can’t do that”?

🤔

I don’t know the answer.

I don’t even know if there is one.

Or many.

I’d love to hear what you think.

Go ahead and share your thoughts.

Should a dying person be a ‘public figure’ – in this sense?

Should the likelihood that they might soon die – not be concealed?

Tell me what YOU feel.